In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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