I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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