one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
MIDGETS
????
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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