I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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