I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
