Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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