o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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