Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
