i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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