12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
