do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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