I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
