So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
