How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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