I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
