My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
