if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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