she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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