I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
