I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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