This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
