I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
