haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
