The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
