I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
