Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
