how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
