I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
