Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
