dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My day in three words: secret purse cake
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
