I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
