In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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