FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
