i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
