I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just want nice things and good sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
