I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
