I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
