two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
