ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
