Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
