He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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