my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
