Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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