You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
