im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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