I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
