You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
