when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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