fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
