is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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