I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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