If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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